Nocturnal melancholia

Photo by Rose @Museum of Art and History, Genève, Switzerland 2020

Night falls, brainwaves expand. In the sleepless cycle of reversed daydreaming, I become enthralled by the sacred re-birth-moment of each afresh possibility that is called the new dawn. If there is a preferable timescape for my absolute solitude propensity, I would be heartened by dialing into my deeper essence, inter alia, of re-attuning into my soul-seeing evolutionary transcendence at the portal of an unexpected stroke of fortune. 

In the spirit of SaudadeI heard my soul screams into bits and pieces of ineffable puzzles buried in the kaleidoscopic memoir left untold. I am on the other side from where I was, energetically, psychologically, and constitutionally. Nevertheless, I feel I am right where I need to be, to unpack, decompress, and re-generate my soul’s mission, even amid a wave of unwanted emotions. What is the source of my disillusion? Why do I feel what I feel inside that is hardly put into words? How am I catalyzing the next creative improvisation of evolution? How do I release my instinctual sentience? As I am rethinking my soul curriculum and paying true attention to what my heart longs to do, I re-align my natural expression with full attendance within my own body in the present awareness.

Frankly, it has been three weeks since I ended and resigned from my 8-month 9 to 6 cubicle job. To a certain extent, it felt like living undercover in ways that I forgot to self-sourcing my inner compass and be sovereign while surrendering to the inner dimension of subtleties. More pointedly, my soul-crushing pain is distastefully installed and mesmerized by the lopsided narratives and hardwired limiting belief systems that keep me feeling small and disconnected from the core of who I am, which, unfortunately, get sidelined by ultra-suppressed thoughts and low-vibrational emotional charge. 

Yet, in the dark night of the soul, still witness the God-given experience as a window of opportunity to finally see crystal clear how the beliefs’ systems create the structure of the electromagnetic field of consciousness, of knowing, of exploration; together, these elemental attributes make up the energetic cocoon that colors and filters the worldview, superglues the naturally expansive potential, and block the flow of universal life force in and out of me and my ancestrals’ bioenergetics. Eventually, the unwelcomed pervasion and accumulated conditioning of the handle of the few propped the hidden agenda against the unpainted souls.

After almost two decades of suffocating my uniqueness and disservice my own true essence, I no longer bear and accept the repeated histories and the stunted, traumatized self-perpetuating patterns that loom on my raw, authentic self-expression and untapped gifts in the multiple planes of manifestation.

“It matters what matters we use to think other matters with; it matters what stories we tell to tell other stories with; it matters what knots knot knots, what thoughts think thoughts, what descriptions describe descriptions, what ties tie ties. It matters what stories make worlds, what worlds make stories.”

Donna J. Haraway, Staying with the Trouble: Making Kin in the Chthulucene

Photo by Rose @Old Town, Genève, Switzerland 2020

Inner work is hard work. I am taking my time to know what fuels me and release fears that don’t serve me. In times of floating into the vastness of subconscious beliefs, I am reckoning AM I choosing to be pure? AM I choosing to be fulfilled? AM I choosing to receive? AM I choosing to be unleashed? AM I choosing to make space for self-compassion instead of self-defeating, inner calm instead of inner turmoil, blossom instead languishing? To anchor sentient of well-being and simplicity, I am free to re-route my sensory nervous system, remembering my soul’s purpose and create healing rituals to coddiwomple my wholeness in fortitude, forthrightness, and integrity.

David Hawkins said, “Perception is edited observation.” The edited process of re-visioning what one sees is often awry from what actually that all that is. In this light, I choose to give myself more perspectives to reconcile a new AWOL (another way of living), an emerging paradigm of vitativeness (“lay hold on eternal life” 1 Timothy 6:12). With that sense of being “at home” in my own inner sanctuary, in this stillness, heart quest, inner refinement, bliss naturally bubble up to the surface of my awake awareness. My penchant for the embodied pathways to self-healing & wisdom through the direct-intuitive experience of the mysteries and the majestic of the Wild is where my soul path is. As a devoted seeker, I am on my Way to fathoming innate liberty that is inherently untethered and potent, like dandelion seeds, bloom wilder into the limitless sense of wonder, to the miraculous vibration of serenity and enlightenment again. Inshallah.


Weekly book hunt on my buck list:

Never Enough – Loren Allred on PBS “An Intimate Evening with David Foster”

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Rumi (Sufi poet and mystic, 1207-1273)

Header photo feat. Amherst, Massachusetts 2017

Leave a Reply